Questions on Choosing Friends

I am convinced that many people do not have a good friendships because they don’t know what one looks like. Let me give four questions to ask about the relationships that are in our lives.

First, IS IT AUTHENTIC? 

In Ephesians 4:25 we read these words in the Message, "What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ's body we're all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself."

 The sad truth is that even in church we often have what I call “edited living.”  This is where we are afraid to be real.  We put on mask of pretense where we play the role of superficial politeness and shallow conversations. We learn to dress, talk, and walk the part of a Christian while on the inside we are dying for authentic relationships. 

One of the problems with the popularity of so-called reality TV shows is that they are edited to portray whatever the producer wants us to see.  In the same way, most television church services are edited to erase the bad notes, sound system mess ups, and preacher mistakes.  Before long we think that real life must be edited and we close our hearts to authentic relationships.

In our culture intimacy is defined as something that occurs in the dark, but God says real intimacy happens in the light.  We use darkness to hide our hurts, faults, fear, failures, and flaws—but in God’s light we can bring them into the open and admit who we are.

True, biblical relationships are authentic.  I challenge you to find relationships where you can be real and still loved.

The second question: IS IT RECIPROCAL?

My scripture for this thought is from 1 Cor 12 where Paul writes extensively about the church being like our physical bodies.  In verse 25 we read these words, "The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don't" (MSG).

Those who study our bodies tell me that in a normal hour my heart will beat 4,320 times to circulate my blood.  My lungs will breath 968 times to circulate oxygen.  My stomach is working to digest my breakfast while my liver and intestines are sorting the bad stuff from the good.  My brain has 290,000 cells taking pictures, thoughts, and words and making connections in my mind to process everything that is happening around me.

All this is taking place without my conscious awareness or any outside effort on my part.  The body is working.  If one part stops doing its job, the entire body will be in trouble.

That’s the way God intends the church to work.  We are to be people who discover our function in the body and are constantly giving and receiving.  No one is called to just be a giver or a receiver.  Good relationships are reciprocal—they circulate out and in to keep the body rolling.

That brings me to my third question, IS IT MOTIVATIONAL?  I believe that healthy relationships will motivate me to be a better person than I am already. 

In Hebrews 10:24 we read these words, "Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching." (MSG)

 I believe a positive relationship will involve encouragement, help, and spurring on—all three parts of motivating us to be the best people we can be.  Sometimes we need people to speak words of encouragement.  Other times we need a hand of help.  And sometimes we need a kick to get us going.  That is how motivation works in relationships.

My last question, ARE THERE REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS?

One of the problems in many relationships is that the expectations of one of the persons involved is not reasonable.  I have found two major problems with expectations—the first is Exclusivity.  Some people want you to be their friend, but only their friend.  That is not a reasonable expectation.  The second problem is Superheroism.  This is my term for people who expect one person to solve all their needs for relationships—that is not possible.  We are designed by God to need the family of believers—no one is smart enough and has enough emotional strength to carry all my relational needs.

Let's work to have relationships that are Authentic, Reciprocal, Motivational, and have reasonable expectations!